OCD Made Me Think I Was a Monster

The Hidden Struggle

OCD made me think I was – For Sarah, a mother of three from Redditch, Worcestershire, the daily reality of living with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) is far removed from the popular image of a tidy, fastidious person. Her mind is frequently invaded by disturbing scenarios: her healthy young children dying in a car accident, or succumbing to a deadly illness. These unwanted mental images spiral uncontrollably, trapping her in a cycle of fear until she feels as though she is drowning in their intensity.

“I get severely depressed because no one wants to think of their children dying,” she says. “It’s something [most people] won’t think of. Whereas I think it every single day because my brain won’t let me think of anything else.”

Sarah is among the estimated 750,000 individuals in the UK who live with OCD, a condition classified by the World Health Organization as one of the top ten most disabling mental illnesses. It can grip a person’s life so tightly that their thoughts and actions become dictated by the disorder, leaving little room for joy or normalcy. Despite its prevalence, many still associate OCD with rituals like excessive cleaning, ordering, or checking. However, the true nature of the condition is far more intricate, encompassing a range of obsessive thoughts and compulsive behaviors that often go unnoticed.

A New Understanding

While the public often sees OCD as a fixated need for perfection, the reality is far more complex. Sufferers experience intrusive thoughts—persistent, unwanted mental images that can evoke intense anxiety, fear, or shame. These thoughts may not be tied to any specific action, yet they dominate the mind, causing distress that can feel overwhelming. Many individuals, like Sarah, remain unaware that these mental battles are symptoms of a recognized illness, leading to feelings of isolation and self-doubt.

“This is partly why Sarah decided to homeschool her children,” says a BBC reporter. “By knowing she could see them all the time, the images of them being fatally injured or catching a terrible disease were somewhat diminished.”

For Sarah, the decision to homeschool her children marked a turning point. The intrusive thoughts, often called Pure-O or Pure OCD, are so insidious that they can linger on taboo subjects, making sufferers question their own morality. When her children began requesting to attend mainstream school, Sarah realized the need to seek professional help. “They will go to school because that’s what they want,” she explains. “It had started affecting their life just as much as mine, so that’s when I was like, no, I need help now—like serious help.”

Her journey with OCD began after the birth of her second son in early 2020. Out of nowhere, she imagined her family perishing if they left the house, or that the food she consumed was poisoned. These thoughts eclipsed her joy as a mother, leaving her consumed by dread. “I feel awful thinking about it now,” she recalls, “but there was a time where I’d just look at him and [think] I don’t want you here.”

More Than Just Cleaning

One of the lesser-known forms of OCD is paedophilia OCD (POCD), where individuals are plagued by intrusive thoughts about being sexually attracted to children. These unwanted ideas can create a deep sense of shame, making sufferers feel like predators. Molly Lambert, a 22-year-old from Manchester, experienced this type of OCD as a teenager. After noticing a young girl’s outfit in an airport seemed inappropriate, she began to obsess over the origin of her thoughts. Within a year, the condition had consumed her, leaving her in constant doubt about her own desires.

“After thinking a young girl’s outfit in an airport was inappropriate, I started to ruminate over why those beliefs appeared in the first place,” Molly shares. “It was like my mind was on repeat, and I couldn’t escape the idea that I might be secretly attracted to children.”

POCD is classified as ego-dystonic, meaning the thoughts conflict with the individual’s core beliefs and moral values. This internal struggle can be particularly painful, as the person may feel they are betraying themselves. Molly now campaigns on TikTok to raise awareness, helping others recognize their own experiences with OCD. Her story underscores the importance of understanding that OCD is not just about cleanliness or symmetry, but about the relentless, uninvited mental battles that can consume a person’s life.

A Life Transformed

Medication has played a crucial role in Sarah’s recovery. She takes a combination of antidepressants and antipsychotic tablets, which have allowed her to reclaim some of the normal activities she once feared. “It was my son’s birthday in January and we went out,” she says. “I actually took them to a soft play. And I never, ever thought I’d be able to do that.”

Her experience highlights how OCD can shift dramatically over time. While the disorder initially caused her to dread the world around her, it later intensified her love for her baby, making her reluctant to let anyone else hold him. “The love for my baby went into full-on overdrive,” she explains. “I wouldn’t let anyone hold him or go near him—even my husband struggled to bond with his own child because of these thoughts that he’s safest with me.”

The Importance of Awareness

Stories like Sarah’s and Molly’s emphasize the need for greater awareness of OCD’s diverse manifestations. Many people remain unaware that the condition can manifest as obsessive fears of harm, rather than just a need for order. This lack of understanding can lead to stigma, causing sufferers to internalize their struggles and feel as though they are monsters.

According to experts, OCD is not a choice but a neurological condition that can be managed with the right treatment. Sarah’s journey from homeschooling to seeking professional help demonstrates how early intervention can make a significant difference. By recognizing the symptoms and taking steps to address them, individuals can regain control over their lives and find relief from the relentless anxiety that once defined their existence.

For those who have yet to identify their condition, awareness is key. Sarah and others like her advocate for education and support, hoping to reduce the shame and isolation that often accompany OCD. Their experiences serve as a reminder that the disorder can affect anyone, regardless of age, background, or lifestyle. The goal is not just to understand OCD better but to create a space where those struggling with it can feel seen, heard, and supported without fear of judgment.

Conclusion

OCD is a multifaceted disorder that can take many forms, from fears of death to unwanted sexual thoughts. While its impact varies, the shared experience of feeling trapped by intrusive ideas is universal. For Sarah, the condition was a constant shadow over her family life, but through treatment and awareness, she is beginning to reclaim her sense of self. Her story, along with others, underscores the importance of recognizing OCD’s hidden dimensions and offering help to those who may be struggling in silence.