What not to say to a friend who is struggling to conceive

Infertility affects roughly 14% of couples in the UK, according to NHS data. This statistic underscores the widespread nature of the issue, yet many individuals still face unintentional but painful remarks from loved ones. Vicky Levens, a 29-year-old receptionist from Belfast, shared how her third miscarriage triggered hurtful comments at work. Two supervisors, aware of her loss, made remarks that left her emotionally raw. A female manager noted,

“At least you were early in your pregnancy,”

while a male colleague remarked on her appearance. “I was in shock,” Vicky said, before resigning from her position.

Friends and family often offer well-intentioned but awkward advice, such as “it’ll be your turn soon” or “just hold on to hope.” Vicky, who began trying for a child in 2020, acknowledged their good intentions but wished for more empathy. “In the moment, I wish people wouldn’t say that,” she added, emphasizing how such phrases can feel dismissive.

Taboo topics and cultural pressures

Chloe Cavanagh, a 26-year-old from Glasgow, described the stigma surrounding infertility. “There’s a sense of embarrassment,” she said, feeling like she was “failing herself” for not conceiving. Similarly, Asiya Dawood, a British-Pakistani woman in West London, highlighted how South Asian communities often question a woman’s fertility. “You’re blamed for career focus or not marrying young enough,” she explained, recalling her withdrawal from social interactions during her struggle.

Kay, 33, from Manchester, shared a personal encounter:

“A close friend sat me down before my IVF treatment and said, ‘a lot of women have miscarriages, so you just need to get ready and not be dramatic about it,'”

a comment she found insensitive despite its intent. These stories illustrate how conversations about fertility can become emotionally charged, even when meant to be comforting.

Seeking support and navigating conversations

Experts suggest that open dialogue is essential. Joyce Harper, a reproductive science professor at UCL, noted that the journey through IVF is “a roller coaster” filled with emotional peaks and troughs. “Days like period cycles or embryo transfers can be especially tough,” she said, highlighting the need for personalized support.

Dr. Marie Prince, a clinical psychologist specializing in fertility, advised that support systems don’t always come from expected sources. “Your IVF team might differ from the people you usually share life with,” she explained. She encouraged individuals to utilize counseling services available at UK clinics. “Ask what kind of help they need,” Prince said, as preferences vary greatly.

Elena Morris, 29, from South Wales, provided a positive contrast. Her friends and family offered meaningful gestures, including flowers for Mother’s Day and restaurant vouchers for respite. “Small acts of support matter,” she said, recalling how messages like “I’m thinking of you” eased her burden. These examples show that thoughtful engagement can make a significant difference during fertility challenges.