The surprising reality of how teenage girls still define themselves

A glimpse into a girls-only space

A vibrant sign, crafted with a felt-tip pen and pinned to a door, reads “GIRLS ONLY” alongside a playful warning: “Boy’s don’t Eneter!” and a cheeky addition, “Don’t worry boys!” The board is adorned with doodles of hearts and stars. Inside, a dozen girls at DRMZ youth club in Carmarthen, Wales, are immersed in a spirited card game when I enter. Laughter and chatter fill the room, and a pizza order is swiftly placed. This visit forms part of my Radio 4 series *About The Girls*, where I engaged with approximately 150 young women, predominantly aged 13 to 17. The dialogue at that table mirrored many of the conversations I had during the project.

Themes emerging from the conversations

The girls were lively, insightful, and witty, creating a warm and engaging atmosphere. They shared ambitions for their future, including aspirations to become doctors, and expressed deep bonds with their friends, emphasizing trust and openness. One mentioned, “I can tell her anything,” while another joked, “I would like to have a fridge that you can have a vase in… And be a doctor!” They also highlighted their awareness of familial responsibilities, such as helping their grandmother with utility bills. The discussion shifted fluidly between topics—school experiences, social media trends, and debates over whether there were enough Cheese Feast slices for everyone.

A broader context for the study

This project follows my earlier series *About The Boys*, where I spoke with teenage males across the UK. In the wake of the pandemic, the #MeToo movement, and conversations around Andrew Tate, I sought to understand how young women were navigating these times. The girls proved just as thoughtful and articulate as their male counterparts, though their reflections revealed a persistent focus on boys’ perspectives.

Gendered expectations in the spotlight

A key theme across all interviews was the way girls still define themselves through the lens of boys. One participant noted, “Growing up as a girl, so much of that is about how boys are behaving around you and what they’re doing to you. There isn’t really a way to talk about that without mentioning boys… and it is frustrating.” This dynamic persisted despite their fluency in discussing societal pressures, the influence of boys in school settings, and the unrealistic standards of femininity promoted online.

Internalizing gender roles

Alison Harbor, the youth centre manager, observed the girls’ openness during our chat. “The boys at the club are quite vocal and confident in sharing their opinions,” she said. “Today, the girls were the same! My concern is that they often internalize their struggles.” The irony was that, while unafraid to speak, the girls described adjusting their behavior in the presence of boys—avoiding being seen as “too much,” “too loud,” or “weird.” They aimed to appear “smaller and quieter,” as teachers noted they “kept their heads down” and “flew below the radar.”

Psychological insights on female self-perception

Dr. Ola Demkowicz, a senior lecturer in the psychology of education at the Manchester Institute of Education, has explored similar issues in her research. She observed that young women often feel the need to be polite and respectful, with their behavior shaped by expectations tied to how they are perceived by boys. This pattern, she noted, reflects a broader societal influence that continues to shape their identities.

Their narratives underscore a reality that, despite progress, remains strikingly familiar: the gaze of boys still holds significant sway in how girls see themselves. Even as they engage with the world confidently, their self-expression is often filtered through the lens of male approval. This ongoing dynamic highlights both the challenges and the resilience of teenage girls in defining their own paths.